The Game You Can't Win
by Cherrypink1
Summary: Tired of real life, Kotori seeks refuge in The World, but a painful tragedy shows her that living in a lie isn't the solution. One-shot. Please review.


The Game You Can't Win  
~*By Cherry  
  
My older sister Meiru was quite an interesting person. There were many things about her that I thought I'd never be able to understand, but what intrigued me most was her love of video games.  
What could have been so interesting about them, I thought to myself every time she sat down to play one, either on her old outdated Playstation 2 console or on our new computer. After all, you don't get anything for winning. You just beat one game, then go on to the next, then the one after that. What was the point of it all? But Meiru obviously thought differently. Whenever she sat down to play, her bright blue eyes lit up with such an excitement that I could never see otherwise.  
It was the year I turned eleven, and she fifteen, than I finally understood her feeling.  
Meiru never had many friends. At school, she was always quiet and reserved, and I'd never once heard her say a curse word. Her grades were always up there, and she had an unbelievable love for music. Yet nobody really understood her well enough. They really never tried.  
I had friends. I had people to hang out with, to play with, to talk with. I had friends because I was never afraid to speak my mind. However that year, when I entered middle school, the only true friend I realized I had was Meiru.  
It was a hard year. A lot of my friends moved away or went to different schools. Others didn't go to any of my classes. That year, I finally realized how shallow our relationships had been as we slowly started drifting apart.  
I didn't want to show anyone just how hurt I was. That year, I spent many hours by myself, locked up in my room, watching TV or reading books. I would normally have been out shopping or at a movie, but then again, there wasn't anyone to go with. Every time I thought about it, I felt a pang in my chest.  
Mom and Dad didn't notice my altered schedule. It seemed to me that they lived in a completely different world, but it didn't matter. They never saw me cry.  
Meiru did.  
I couldn't help it. The tears just started falling one day, the same day I didn't close my room's door. Meiru saw my tears, and that was when I told her everything about how I felt.  
She smiled a sympathetic smile. It was then that I first realized that I even had a sister. She'd always seemed so distant from me before, but just then, she was my sister.  
"It's best to have someone that you can share your feelings with, Kotori," she said. "Locking them up will only make it worse. I'll always listen if you want me to because I can understand what it's like to be alone."  
It was as though I was seeing her for the first time. It was strange how I'd never noticed the way her blue eyes twinkled, or the way her wavy brown hair framed her face.  
I smiled and nodded.  
She suddenly clapped her hands together. "Oh! Come here, Kotori. I have something to show you. I think you'll like it."  
I scratched my head in curiosity and followed her out of the room, making perfectly sure that the last of my tears were wiped away. What could she show me that I would like?  
My heart fell after we walked into the living room. Meiru quickly ran over to the table and grabbed what looked like a shiny cardboard box. Again with the video games.  
"Look at what Dad finally bought for us!" she grinned, showing me the box.  
I raised me eyebrows. For us? US? She knew perfectly well how I felt about those silly games!  
But nevertheless, I examined the box. It was shiny and golden in color. There was a picture of a rusty sword and an image of a bridge in the background. 'The World,' was written on the cover in large letters. It looked just like another old RPG.  
"It's the newest version of The World," explained Meiru as though it actually meant something to me. I just stared at her with an ironic look. She must have taken the hint. "I know how you feel about these games, but The World is different."  
"...How so?"  
"You can't win."  
I blinked. What was the point of a game you couldn't win?  
"You see, The World is a completely simulated online environment. You can meet other people and there is an infinite amount of dungeons and fields. Players can be whatever they want to be; then don't even have to fight. ...You can say it's like a place you can run away to when real life gets too hard."  
I had never ever thought about games that way. Never. To me, video games were just something you had to beat, but how could a game exist in which you didn't have to beat it?  
"I was hoping we could try it together," continued Meiru. "I think it'll be fun."  
What did I have to lose anyway? My mood was down the toilet as it was.  
"Sure, I guess," I said unenthusiastically.  
After both Meiru and I memorized the entire instruction manual from beginning to end, we designed our custom characters. They were both girls of the same template with waist-length hair and medium build, but mine's was light blue, while hers had pink. My character's eyes were green; Meiru's were blue. Her character had dark skin while mine was pale. The only other difference was that I was a heavyblade and she was a wavemaster.  
Meiru chose the username Hoshi. I was Kiseki. We both logged in at once, using the family's only computer. After putting on the 3D headset, the first thing I realized was that I was standing in a city where the sun was setting. There was a bridge over a shallow river, and many, many other characters were walking or running along. A small boat passed under the bridge slowly and sleepily as I walked around, examining the surroundings in awe. It was as though I could feel the peaceful air around me.  
"Welcome to the water capital, Mac Anu," Meiru's character smiled warmly, and I knew that from that moment on, I had a newfound love for video games.  
***  
As days turned into weeks, Meiru and I would go on a different adventure together every day. We went to many fields and many dungeons together, and since then, I hadn't shed another tear. We met a lot of people online, and a lot of them seemed much friendlier than those I met in real life.  
The World seemed like a paradise to me. I was so tired of real life, and I hadn't even realized it until Meiru and I began playing together. This new game was like a rainbow in a gray toned reality. Soon, the two of us started spending more time online than anywhere else.  
Each time we entered a dungeon, we'd smile at each other and move on forward, fearlessly. I'd gotten up to level eleven, and Meiru twelve the day I faced my next rude awakening.  
Since we'd always been there to protect each other, neither of us had really ever died before. One day, I decided to try to level up on my own so that I could catch up to Meiru. I entered a dungeon we'd already beaten, but when I'd gotten to the third level, I was taken by surprise by a huge 'ThousandTrees.' It wasn't even supposed to be in that dungeon, and it somehow seemed to glow green.  
Having no other choice, I attacked. No matter how much I bashed away at it with my sword, though, its HP didn't even waver. Before I knew it, my own HP was down to 14 points, and Meiru wasn't around to heal me with her magic. I was in way over my head.  
I went for one last attack, putting in everything I had... I fell. Somehow it all seemed so very real when my character's body hit the ground. Through the headset, the last thing I saw was the dungeon's dark ceiling before the image went completely blank.  
And once again, I was sitting in a chair in the living room, a controller in my hards, facing a screen with the words "GAME OVER" in bright red. My world was torn away from me so brutally that my fantasies shattered to pieces just then. I was eleven back then, and I'd never before played a video game. That was the first time I died.  
I continued to sit there, staring blankly at the screen for about five minutes before Meiru came into the room.  
"What's wrong?" she asked, then she noticed the worlds on the screen. "Oh... Well, want to try again? Here..." she pressed enter on the keyboard, and I was looking again at the login screen.  
"What happens when you die in a game?" I asked, still a bit shocked from what had happened.  
She thought about it for a moment. "Well, nothing. You just get sent to the last place from which you saved and try again."  
"No, I mean what happens to the game?"  
"What do you mean?" she blinked. "Nothing, really. The game goes on for everyone else."  
"And what about the character?"  
"The character disappears unless a party member revives them. Otherwise, it's the same as logging out."  
As I thought about this, Meiru spoke again.  
"It's only a game. A character can't stay inside it all the time because it isn't real. Unless the game actually kills you, it'll never be real. Just remember that."  
***  
Meiru's words stuck with me for a long time. Soon, I got over the despair of dying or 'losing' as she put it. It became a normal thing for me. Every time I died after that, I felt a mild pang of annoyance, but it was never as real any more. The World began to seem more and more like a game, and soon, it got boring altogether.  
In the years that followed, both Meiru and myself continued to play. However, after that, it wasn't the same. We'd still go on adventures together, just not as often. It seemed that I was finally making real friends again, and as for my sister, I started believing that she'd outgrown games in her own way.  
It was inevitable, and I wasn't about to deny it. It was impossible to win The World, and perhaps it was this that annoyed me. Even our pen-pals started showing up less frequently as a new generation of players appeared.  
As time passed, I became more and more like my sister; quiet and not very outspoken. We both understood each other without words. Sometimes we'd go out to places with our new friends; the gap in our ages became less obvious. Life was becoming interesting again, and perhaps playing the game with Meiru somewhat helped me see it that way. No matter how you put it, life couldn't be seconded by a false reality.  
However soon, before either of us could foresee it, the time came for us to go our own separate ways. It was the last day before Meiru went off to college, and only the stars knew when we'd get the chance to hang out again like we used to, if ever.  
Somehow, I couldn't face the thought of being separated from the only person that ever understood me fully. I didn't want to face this reality; it was too cruel. Once again, I found myself crying in my room, as though the last few years had been erased from my life.  
And again, it was Meiru who noticed.  
"We all have to move on, Kotori," she said to me. Her voice was deeper than it had been back then, but it still had that gentle tone. "Why don't we go play a game together, just like old times?"  
I looked up, my eyes meeting hers. Without even a word, we both walked into the living room where our outdated old computer still stood. I took out the box with our controllers, which was under the table, and hooked them up. For the first time in months, Hoshi and Kiseki logged in.  
The World hadn't changed at all. There had been several major updates since we started playing, but it wasn't really anything that concerned us then.  
Nothing had changed about the root town Mac Anu, but the people were mostly ones we'd never seen. Some stared at us, and a what looked like a little girl asked us if we were using old character designs. We didn't reply.  
I didn't really feel like fighting since my ability with a controller suffered a bit, and Meiru agreed. Instead of going to a dungeon, we went to our favorite field. It was one I discovered by accident one day a long time ago, and the two of us often went there to talk. The atmosphere was pleasant.  
Our field had a beautiful blue sky that reflected peacefully in a large lake. There were crystals floating in the air, and the grass was a mellow green. A slight breeze blew, creating ripples in the water.  
That was how we remembered the field the last time we'd been there. However what we saw when we warped there was something completely different.  
The blue sky looked as though it had been slashed with a knife, and in the places where it looked torn, there were numbers; pieces of corrupted data. There were just lines of syntax floating around, and every few seconds, the entire area became static and noise.  
This was like a bad dream. I'd never thought of The World as 'corrupted.' Unreal or a fantasy perhaps, but never did I consider it something that could be broken like that. The reality of it all was overwhelming.  
"What are you two doing here?!" yelled a sharp voice suddenly from behind. Meiru and I both turned to see a male blademaster with white hair and... wings?  
"We uh..." I began.  
"Sorry, we didn't realize that the area was out of order, Balmung-san. We're just leaving," Meiru cut me off. I couldn't believe my ears. The legendary Balmung of the Azure Sky was standing right in front of me and I didn't even realize it. Of course I'd been playing long enough to know about the various legends in The World.  
"Didn't you read the board?!" Balmung snapped hotly.  
We'd had to admit that we didn't have time to check the board, and we hadn't logged in for months.  
"We're sorry!" I panicked. "We should go-"  
Before I could finish the sentence, the unimaginable happened. Out of a nowhere, a monster appeared, and it was no ordinary monster. It was a huge snake, and just like the ThousandTrees that killed me ages ago, it was glowing green.  
I backed away in fear, somehow sensing that we were in unimaginable danger. A part of me said that we'd just die again, while the other insisted that this time, it wouldn't be so simple.  
Balmung attacked the monster with his sword while Meiru and I watched. I tried gating out, but for some reason, it didn't work at all. My sister and I stared at each other in fear.  
It all happened in the blink of an eye... The snake swept past Balmung and launched itself at ME. I braced myself for the impact, but it didn't come. Instead, I heard a loud scream from both my earphones and to my left... Meiru had jumped in the way to protect me.  
***  
"Meiru! Kotori!" I heard Mom yell as she ran into the room. Her screams were so distant... I don't remember how I managed to take off my visor, but the next thing I knew, my beloved sister was laying unconscious on the floor, and I was sitting over her, shaking her, trying to wake her up.  
On the monitor, the words "GAME OVER" shone bright red.  
***  
Eighth grade would have started the next day for me. Yet, I ended up missing the first week or so of school. In my confused depression, I could barely tell what even my name was any more, so Mom and Dad didn't force me to go. Meiru was sent to the hospital the night she collapsed, and since then, she remained unconscious.  
The doctors said that they had no idea what was wrong. She hadn't suffered any physical injury. It was just like she was sleeping. Yet somehow, I knew deeply that Meiru was more than asleep, and I also knew that no matter how much anyone denied it, The World was responsible. I also knew something else; the doctor said that she might never wake up.  
Never wake up...  
Strange. After all the years of playing video games, death to me seemed unreal. A part of me expected the dead to come back at the last point they saved... But you can't save real life. That was why reality seemed so distant. Had I forgotten how to live?  
Meiru was the closest person I ever knew. The realization that she might die was impossible to comprehend. I wished that I could do something. If I were strong enough, then maybe she wouldn't die. Maybe I could make her come back...  
But this wasn't a game any more. In real life, one person can't change anything. In real life, it didn't matter how much one person achieved because in the big picture, that person would still be left behind.  
Perhaps that was why I found refuge in the game yet again...  
***  
Something told me that it was The World that took my sister away, and something else told me that only The World could get her back for me. The next two weeks, I spent my time outside of school in front of the computer, searching for answers. I researched the game and its history. I read every single message on the board. I asked around inside the game for anything anyone knew.  
My searching only told me that Meiru wasn't the first victim. Other kids had fallen into comas playing The World, and so far, none have awoken. I also found out that the game's administrators were having a lot of problems managing corrupting fields, and rumors have been flying around about invincible monsters with unlimited HP.  
Yet none of this was enough. After all, nobody knew how I could get Meiru to wake up, and that was all that mattered.  
Meiru had revealed to me a whole new world. In a way, she helped teach me how to live. She was the only one that could because we were so much alike. We were both used to being misunderstood outcasts. Perhaps those days were over, but the feeling of being alone was still with us. It was our bond.  
Ever since Meiru fell into her coma, I knew that I wasn't the same person. It would have been all right if she'd just gone to college. At least she'd be happy. At least she'd be safe. But knowing that the only person I could confide in was torn painfully away from me made me act even more cold and distant than ever before. This was worse that any of my previous depressions.  
Why did this happen to her and not me the day I died oh so long ago...?  
I cried alone in my room where no one could see me.  
Meiru could never again walk in on my tears.  
***  
She visited me often in my dreams. Whenever I'd see her, she'd smile her usual smile and tell me not to cry. One night, it was her game character, Hoshi, who appeared.  
Hoshi... star...  
She truly was like a star to me...  
I woke up quietly crying that night. I hated feeling so hopeless. These times were like twilight to me. Morning was when we started playing the game, and the beautiful bright day was all the times we shared. Sunset came when we nearly stopped playing. Now it was twilight in my life. Twilight... The sky, lit up only by the empty rays of the sun that already set. A sad time when all the day's excitement passes. To me, this twilight was eternal.  
Twilight... Tasogare... Tasogare no kagi...  
They said that the mysterious Key of the Twilight played outside the game's rules. Perhaps it was what I needed. Yet I wasn't dumb enough to go searching for it, although I certainly didn't mind risking my life, but I knew that many spend years searching for this item. What made me different from them?  
I got out of bed. There was no way I'd fall asleep again, so why bother trying?  
I automatically walked up to the computer and logged in as Kiseki.  
Kiseki... miracle...  
I wish.  
If I could make miracles happen, life would be very beautiful indeed.  
There were no miracles.  
Not quite thinking about what I was doing, I warped to some random area. I just felt like wandering around for a bit. My actions led themselves anyway since I'd played so many times.  
The field I found myself in was somewhat like the one Meiru and I used to go to. It was endless and grassy, and had a large lake. The sky, however, wasn't blue. It was the violet-gray color of twilight, and there were no crystals in the air. Instead of being flat, the stretching fields were somewhat hilly.  
I sighed. Did it matter what I did to escape? I'd always run into painful reminders of my sister anyway.  
Deciding that this was better than bed, I walked up to the edge of the lake and sat down, gazing at the depths. Kiseki's face was reflected there. It was hard to make out the color of my character's eyes and hair in the dark water... She looked so much like Hoshi.  
My eyes traveled along the water's edge, and I jumped slightly when I realized that I wasn't alone. Quite some distance away from me, a boy was sitting. He was obviously a wavemaster with a low level staff, and he was also gazing deeply into the lake. His hair was a shade of gray and quite long for a boy's...  
I stared. As impossible as it seemed just then, I knew that this boy must have been the one in the rumors. They said that an outlaw character existed in the game who played outside the system. A wavemaster. And players were putting a bounty on his capture. They said he was logged in for weeks...  
I didn't quite remember his name, but somehow I just knew it was him from the instant I saw him. He didn't seem to notice me staring... He just continued to look into the sky reflected in the lake.  
Not quite sure what possessed me to do it, I got up and quietly walked up to him. He didn't seem to notice me at all.  
"What's it like... Not being able to run?" I said in a voice I didn't even realize was mine.  
He jumped up in surprise and turned around. "What?"  
"Sorry to startle you," I apologized. "I mean... You are the one everyone's been looking for, right?"  
The boy flinched. On my display, his name came us as 'Tsukasa.' I took that to be correct since it sounded familiar enough. "Does it matter?"  
"Not really," I admitted, sitting down next to him. "I just think it's sad."  
Tsukasa stared at me. "What is?"  
"That everyone's misunderstanding you," I replied. "So you're a loner."  
"I'm not really alone," he said a bit coldly. "They'll never understand, so I don't care."  
I was silent for a moment. "...Is it true that you can't log out?"  
He seemed slightly surprised at the question. "I don't want to log out," he replied after a few seconds.  
Did he mean it... Or was that denial in his voice? I couldn't really tell, but what he said didn't seem right.  
"Why's that?"  
For a moment, the wavemaster looked as though he was recalling a painful memory. "I don't have to return to that shitty world..."  
"So you ran away?"  
Even as I said it, I felt tears starting in my eyes. I couldn't help but be reminded of how I wanted to run away from that same world that seemed so shitty before Meiru could show me otherwise. I guessed that this boy didn't have anyone that understood.  
He turned away, avoiding my question. I moved my eyes back over the lake, hoping the tears that were now running down my face wouldn't short-circuit my headset.  
"Why are you crying?" Tsukasa asked suddenly.  
I gasped and stared at him again. "Y-you can tell?"  
He looked down at his knees. "It's all real to me. This world... Everything."  
I finally realized why he was so misunderstood. This boy was only a victim, trapped in the game, unable to log out, living on the denial that this was where he truly belonged. It was sad.  
I stood up. "You know, Tsukasa-kun... No matter how real it is to you, this world is a fantasy. Everyone runs to fantasies in their hard times, but to live in one... is like living a lie..." I continued to cry, unable to stop myself.  
Tsukasa stood up as well, and for the first time, he looked me directly in the eye. His eyes were violet... Something about them was so deep... Even though I was just looking into the eyes of a Player Character, I could tell that he'd been through a lot. "I don't care. I have something to do here," he said simply before turning around.  
"It's hard when no one understands," I said in a half-whisper. "My sister, the only one that understood me fell into a coma playing this game. She might... never wake up... And yet I can't run away... Because I'd never be able to face her again."  
Tsukasa didn't turn around. "..."  
"I hope you'll be able to log out soon... Tsukasa-kun..."  
He gated out, and I was left staring at nothing, but somehow, because of that meeting, I was able to understand more about The World. It was certainly the most interesting game I'd ever experienced, and I doubted that would change.  
Perhaps... Perhaps Meiru wasn't really in a coma. Perhaps she was like Tsukasa, her consciousness trapped within the game... Perhaps I'd find out someday.  
Something... something told me that Meiru would come back eventually. Someday.  
I looked again at the horizon where the lake's waters met the sky and sighed. "The next time we meet, we'll see who has the higher lever, Hoshi," I whispered before gating out.  
I never did return to that field again.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------  
A/N: Please don't be freaked out that I would actually write something this creepy. O_o;; It's totally out of character for me as it is. Anyway, this is what happens when you play .hack games for 12 hours straight. Take my advice... DON'T DO IT. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the product of my weird imagination. Oh, and forgive me for being too lazy to make this in HTML format... Text'll have to do since it's 2 in the morning right now. Please review! Thankeeees! 


End file.
